I have lots I need to journal about...Hopefully Tuesday I will have the opportunity to....We will see I guess...I am finding myself in need of a safe place to vent and I am thinking that this will have to be that outlet...If you don't want to hear my venting I will try to mark vent-free posts accordingly...

Pretty much the only things that have really changed in my life since august is now I am working at McDonald's nearly 40 hours per week. There still has been no separation between Angela and Troy but I've gotten to the point where the drama needs to just end. One way or another it will I guess...Either it will destroy me or a resolution will be found the difference between the two is starting to blur...It is starting to seem like the resolution IS for me to end up broken.

I have started BEP(Batterer's Education Program) and have realized that everyone involved in the situation has an active role in letting it destroy everything it touches. I should have put my foot down in March and not given him the opportunity to screw things up again. Hind sight is always 20/20 though. It won't happen again. As much as Angela's "friends" in Ames say I am bad for her because I am violent and "abusive" they should all look at themselves before they judge me...So many double standards, so many multiple faced people, so many lies and deciet its pathetic. Yes I am 20. Yes I have anger issues. Yes I have displayed abusive behavior. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES. The big difference between me and the others is I will admit it and I have been arrested for it. Psychological and Emotional abuse are illegal as well they are just harder to prosecute and less reported. STOP BEING HYPOCRITICAL. If I am so bad for her then you should step out of her life for the same reason.

Oddly enough this is the first relationship where things have gotten hard and I have stuck around... Despite everything I am not giving up even if it does end up destroying me. I am tired of running and I am tired of hurting. It will end soon.

I am so very tired right now... Tired but it was worth it.

Today finds me in a similar state as I was 8 weeks ago...Troy is still yet to show that he can respect Angela, I am still not able to help her seperate part of herself from him...I know it's not my fault when she hurts most of the time, but I still get that sickening pressure on my soul, that sufficating squeeze on my heart that forces my breath to come only in very short panicky bursts and causes everything to tense up in my throat...the feeling that you screwed up in some major way but the only thing that you can do is say sorry...but sorry never really cuts it because it caused so much damage that things can't ever go back to being right...

I get physical violence doesn't get anyone very far, but I am seeing so much emotional and psychological violence and I don't get why physicallity is so wrong...If you get hit physically the pain only lasts for an instant or two with dull aches afterwards emotional and psychological blows hurt for days and ache for weeks. I am not saying that either is right, I am saying violence is violence. physical violence is the least of the problems and sometimes the only thing that is understood by dense people. Troy wants to cry about being abused...people like him are pathetic. David Pelzer(sp?) was abused. I would be more than willing to show troy what true physical abuse feels like if he wants to complain about being abused...I feel like I am dealing with a toddler whenever I listen to him; everything is abuse if it's not his way, anything that isn't what he wants to hear is mean and manipulative. GROW UP TROY! take the job in MN and get out of here. Go play with your new toy

so, virtually noone reads this anyway and I don't think there is really a point in typing this all out when I know it, as does Angela, but in the off chance someone else reads this let me know so I can be sure to actually post things somewhat regularly....

*cut out the evil so that the good may flourish*

If you do not understand this post completely you should probably disregard it as something that you don't need to know anything about. I may go back to being ice cold hearted and blowing everyone and everything off. If certain things go one directions I am turning off all emotion again...life is easy that way. Nothing will touch me after that. One direction, One outcome. The opposite turn of events would yield a radically different outcome. The middle ground is there for a reason. to be walked upon. Stay a course and stay in middle ground. Play in the middle ground for too long though...

I am oddly awake so hopefully I can post this before I get too sleepies...

I am as always confused by women. I have finally seemed to get past that awkward I am a dork and I can prove it stage, but they really just don't make sense sometimes. Some days I wish I could know the perfect thing to say to make everything better but then again even if I did I probably would still be in the same spot I always end up in...I get left behind and blamed for everything. Yet again I find myself outside a situation that is probably not going to turn out well and all I can do is sit back and hate that I can see it and they can't...The worst part is I know exactly how they feel because once upon a time I was stuck in a similar spot. I think that is why every time I am with this new person who shall remain nameless for the simple point that I don't like making things too easy for anyone who is stalking me on the internet, I feel awkward and unsure of myself. Should I let this storm run its course and help if it doesn't go well or should I push forward with what I want and risk scaring her away? If a guy friend of mine were in her position I would be able to tell it the way it was going to play out, but I get the feeling that no matter how honest I am being its not going to come across the same to her as it would a guy.

In other areas, thanks to said nameless person, I have started my poetry book/collection/organizer and can't believe how long it has been since I have written...shame on me...

next time we go into my head and see if I can drag something more sensible out onto the page about this....